vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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