the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
