I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
