I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
