I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize