I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
there is glitter all over my balls
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