I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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