So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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