You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she told me i tasted like america
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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