i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
