Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Did I show you my penis last night?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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