went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
