If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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