I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
