Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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