a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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