I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
