Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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