I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
