let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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