3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have aggressive nipples.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
