break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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