i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
