hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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