Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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