I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
