you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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