He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can you bring me the toilet please
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
