There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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