we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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