Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
