my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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