i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
