Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
