No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
