i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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