I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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