Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
