i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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