she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
