Pants 0. Shit 1.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
