I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
