My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
