I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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