when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dear god my vagina.
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