yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
They left me at home... I'm a liability
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
