dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
