I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
