So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
