The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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