So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
