sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my shit smells like andre
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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