Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's shark week go big or go home
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
