opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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