Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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