More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
