the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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