first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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