Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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